Here are a few tips that I’ll share for anyone who wants to keep the gospel from spreading. These are tried and true, so pay close attention…
Keep Away From the Scriptures.
If you want to keep the gospel to yourself, you have to start at home. Let’s be honest, sometimes when we read the scriptures, they just make us feel bad.
They set such a high standard, you know? But if you never pick them up, the problem is effectively solved. If this is the case, you don’t have to worry about reading verses about the “Worth of Souls” and your duty to spread the gospel.
You won’t read entire chapters on missionary work, like with Ammon. You won’t read about brothers Nephi and Lehi and all the good they did. And you definitely won’t read “The Acts” in the New Testament.
If you don’t read them, then you won’t feel guilty about never clicking the “share” button when a gospel message comes across your newsfeed. And you won’t feel guilty about never talking to your neighbor friend or anyone at work. Because what if they, like, judge you and stuff?
Do the Bare Minimum.
I can’t stress this enough. When you’re given an assignment, you shouldn’t go above and beyond. After all, your time is valuable! You don’t have the kind of capacity to prepare for primary lessons, assist the scouts, go to the Temple, teach young women, practice the organ, etc when you have sooo many other things to do. Not to mention, Netflix just added your favorite show, so most of your time should probably be spent on that.
Don’t Improve Yourself.
Repentance is really hard, especially the part where you actually have to “forsake” certain actions. Better to avoid it altogether if possible. If you have a pornography problem, it’s really not that bad. If you get upset at your wife and make her feel bad all the time, that’s just marriage. No marriage is perfect, right? If you have an occasional drink of alcohol, no biggie. There are lots of “studies” that show that drinking just a little bit each day makes you live longer, so there’s that…
Live the Gospel Inconspicuously.
You need to actively hide the fact that you are a member of the church. When you go out, don’t make conversation that could lead to the church in any way, shape, or form. Better avoid it so you don’t get thrown out of stores, restaurants, and auto-repair shops for mentioning that you go to church. That’s what we all think will happen if we open our mouths, right? Don’t risk it.
Keep Social Media a Church-Free Zone.
Not even the occasional spiritual post. One single post or share could lose you many, many virtual friends and followers. Social media should be designated to cat videos and fiery political rants, nothing more. You don’t want to be one of thoooose people, anyway. If you’re already currently posting and sharing spiritual things, it’s time to stop that. Keep the gospel to yourself unless you’re in church and someone approaches you and literally asks how they can be baptized. That’s the green light. If this doesn’t happen, take the immortal words of Chris Farley to heart, “I wish you’d shut your big yapper!”.
“Social media should be designated to cat videos and fiery political rants, nothing more.”
Don’t Work Gospel Topics into Normal Conversations.
When you’re at SportClips, and the nice lady giving you a haircut is talking about the football game on Sunday and you mention that you don’t watch TV on Sunday, just stop there. You don’t want to explain all the ‘no coffee’ stuff, the Book of Mormon, the Restoration, and the Urim and Thummim. Better to just let it settle and switch the topic of conversation. This strategy works in almost any situation. Use it liberally.
Stay Silent.
If you’re trying to keep the gospel to yourself, there’s only one place for you to be, and that is the Comfort Zone. If you take one step out of it, the consequences will be quick and severe. Stay in your comfort zone your entire life if at all possible. That’s the ultimate goal. If you don’t ever leave it, there’ll be less criticism, less chance of death-by-stoning at WalMart, and definitely less chance of the gospel spreading. And that’s what we all want, right?
